Captured Thoughts

Thank You, I'm Sorry

2011-04-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Thank You, I'm Sorry

A Letter to the Body of JAJ

Dear Body,

Looks like we made it! 17 years of formal education. Flew by, didn't it? I'm joking, it didn't.

I'd like to thank you for carrying me this far. That was really super cool of you. I'd also like to take this time to apologize for a few things.

Sorry I grew up as a gamer. It's not just the insurmountable sunlight debt that I'll owe you well into my 50's, or the months of consuming little more than junk food and pop. More importantly, had I never been a gamer, I probably wouldn't consider it trivial to stay up for 30+ hours. You probably could've used that sleep to, like, grow and stuff.
Sorry for all the times I ran out of groceries and just didn't really eat that much instead of getting more. Or worse, when I would switch to a diet of all Mr. Pizza, all the time. That wasn't fair to you. You need some good fuel.
Sorry for all the parties and some of those times that I experimented. There's really no need to ever make you endure more than five psycotropic substances at once. Besides, we only have so many neurotransmitters up here.
On that note, repairs: Lungs will need a tune-up and my heart could use some preventative maintenance. I'll get on that "running" thing right away. Promise. Oh and don't worry, pretty sure I got top shelf liver, so I think we're all right. I'll stop it with that crazy shit, though.
Sorry for the time I deprived you of sleep and then forced you to run full speed on a slippery-ass tarp. Guess you showed me on that one, huh?
No, really, sorry for dislocating that shoulder. I know you're gonna make me even more sorry for it later, so I guess I'll look forward to that.
Sorry for freshman year of college when I was using caffeine pills to stay awake during the day and then sleeping pills to fall asleep at night. I was probably voiding all kinds of warranties with that genius idea.
Sorry for senior year of high school when I took you to a tanning salon for a few months. Almost got us cancer with that one. Whoops. At least you got a sweet scar out of it.
Sorry for never lotioning our hands in the winter, I never knew skin could crack like that until this year.
Sorry for never doing any sports in high school, we'd probably be a lot better coordinated if we did. But we get by all right. Not like we need counseling or anything.

I guess that's about it. You know, for now. And in public. But thanks for pulling through.

Thanks for recovering fast as hell from surgeries and being free of any and all allergies and diseases. Thanks for not covering our chest or back in hair. And most importantly: Thank you for maintaining the appearance of abs even when I take a few months off of working out.

We've had some good times, Body, and we've had some bad ones (sick for the entire Stewart/Colbert rally weekend? Really?), but mostly we've gotten along.

And now we get to start a new chapter of life, one where I'm not super selfish and neglect you because of some paper or exam. I'm gonna take you camping and hiking and all sorts of outdoorsy stuff. I'm gonna feed you healthy home-cooked meals and follow a mother fucking personalized diet plan. P90x is about to be our bitch. And before we leave for AmeriCorps (or wherever), let's agree to do a marathon. No shit.

Forever gone are the days of us fighting to stay awake so I could get one more round of studying done before an exam. You've let me by pretty easy these first two decades, howabout I pick up the check for the next pair? It's the least I can do, Body. For real. Thank you. (And I'm sorry)

Serendipitous Cash

2011-02-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out to a classy party and wore my gray suit for it. I was checking my pockets and found some receipts from Vegas, and I realized that I hadn't worn this suit since I was there. Then, when I checked my inner breast pocket I found over 60 bucks in cash. Thanks Vegas Suit!

I further reflected that when Past Me put that money there, he was probably sad because it was all that was left over after a night of gambling. Now, the same amount is a welcome surprise for Present Me. From folly to fortune!

Oh, I also got classy business cards.

100% recycled, biatch.

Post-Graduating

2011-02-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

When you reach your final year in college, you're subject to an endless barrage of the same question: "What are you going to do after you graduate?"

Of course, you hear this earlier, maybe even before you begin college, but it's not really the same question back then. Not the same weight at all, because graduating came after something else, namely, at least one more year of education. And that was safe and secure, because hell, you've been doing it since you were 5 years old. It's been the last 3 quarters of your life, and you spent the first one doing a bunch of crying and shitting that you don't even remember.

But now it's a practical question, a question with an immediately relevant answer. And so far every time I'm hit with it, I've been honest. I have no idea.

I know the eventual goal: Make movies. Pretty broad. When it comes to specifics, I'm blank. Probably because I don't feel like I'm a complete person just yet. I haven't prepared myself as best I can to enter the real world and excel in a creative career. A lot of it's my fault, the way I studied and spent my time, and as my ultimate year in formal education began, I was panicked because I didn't want to leave it until I was ready.

But I think I am ready to leave it in order to finish preparing myself. This semester's absurdly open schedule (my well-earned pay-off from multiple 18-credit semesters and entire springs and summers in classes) has shown me how awesome my life can be when I don't have to worry about due dates and assignments. I've always been a champion of formal education, and I still am, but despite my success in it, I'm only now realizing how wrong my approach to it has been my whole life.

I'm not filled with too much remorse about this. Rather, I'm ready to accept that schooling may not be the best way for me to learn. I'd like to find for myself what is.

I don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate, but I do know what I want to do. Unfortunately, fiscal situations and other peoples' life plans can sometimes cause a schism between plans and the actual future.

I want to create things and travel. Definitely create movies, but I'm interested in trying my hand at so many other things too. Photography. Music. Writing. I've dabbled in each and I feel like with time, I can get good at all of them. Others have managed to be multi-talented, why not me?

And Jesus, if I've never fallen for anything as much as I did traveling. I lived in the same house for 18 years and then went to college a mere 45 minutes away. I've never gone on a single trip for spring or winter break. I went on a few trips in high school, but never appreciated the experiences like I should have. But my road tripping over the summer showed my how every city can have a personality, every state its own landscape. America's a big place, but it's entirely explorable, and I want to see it all. Manifest destiny might have come from nationalistic theism, but it resulted in a magnificently diverse nation.

It's likely that I won't be able to travel this summer. Though I'm confident I could acquire the funding, there aren't a lot of other people who have the money or who are interested / able to spend an entire summer in exploratory vagrancy. Accepting that, I may or may not just leave in September and go see the country after a summer of working. But there's also a possibility of me signing a lease for next year soon, which would then postpone my traveling to next summer, meaning another cold and monotonous year in Michigan.

But even if I don't get to travel, I will have the time to create, and I guess that's all I can ask for. I trust my perseverance enough to know that at some point in the future, I will do the Pan-American Road Trip. But with it postponed for either 6 or 15 months (I shudder every time I think about it), I need to spend the time I have prior gaining experience as a creator. Especially after I'm done with school.

I've already begun some summer plans. If you're of the artistic (especially film) variety and you'll be around Ann Arbor/Michigan in the summer, I'd love to hear from you. I'll definitely need some help with a lot of these plans.

So I guess that's what I'll be doing after graduating. Working and creating. A milquetoast of an answer, I know, but it's the most honest one I can give. And I'm fine with that answer becoming my actual future, because I know it's only for a short time, before my real plans can actualize.

--James A. Janisse

Surgeries and Sociopaths

2010-12-26T03:52:00.000-08:00

I'm currently "recovering" from wisdom teeth surgery. I had it done on Wednesday, so it's coming up on 96 hours and I'm pretty much done with it. People were freaking me out before I had it done, saying they were out of commission for 2 weeks and shit and that it was, as a general consensus, completely hellacious. I just slept for 4 hours after getting home from the surgery, then spent a day spitting and changing gauze, and 48 hours later I was able to talk and eat most soft foods fine. 56 hours post-op I was driving home and eating McDonald's fries. Now the only reminder is the weird feeling of the (dissolvable) stitches when my tongue rubs against them.

This was the second time I had to go under anesthesia, after the surgery where I kicked cancer's ass (just melanoma though) on my shoulder. Anesthesia is pretty crazy. After coming out of it I communicated with my mom by sending her drugged up texts. I quote myself:

I was wondering, how the hell did they even discover anesthesia? (3:37pm)
Must have been some scary shit for that first guy (3:37pm)

For real.

I used my Vicodin-enhanced recovery time to, among other things, invest in a new TV show. I had narrowed down my choices for my winter break show to Dexter and Breaking Bad, and up until the last minute I really thought Breaking Bad would have it because it would be easier to catch up on. But alas, Blu-ray copies of Dexter were available, and I watched the shit out of that show. It took a while for it to grow on me, but the first season's slow building had a really nice pay-off. I just finished the second season tonight. Actually, I'm about to start the third, even though it's almost 7 in the morning. I don't regard it as well as some other shows (Mad Men, of course), but it's still very entertaining and I really enjoy the large-scale arcs in each season.

Eventually I'll get to Breaking Bad. And allllllllll the other quality television shows I've neglected to this point (poor, poor Sopranos).

--James A. Janisse

Sick Bastard.

2010-11-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

Germ mobile.
Disease vessel.

Piss and exit, no interim cleanse.
Walk and cough, no defense from your hands.

Stay away. Wash yourself.
Stay away. Show me some considerance.

You’re as contagious as a bad idea; I don’t want to share your misery.
Why can’t you take care of you the way that I take care of me?

Sick bastard.

Soap Politics, and Why It's Worth It

2010-11-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

Soap operas are one of the older forms of television shows, and are certainly interesting in some respects, but they've never appealed much to me. I think one of the reasons I've never desired to give them a chance is because of their perpetual lack of closure. Narratives go on for years, decades even, without ever coming to a satisfying conclusion. Sure, some plot strands end, but never before several others take their place, promising to forever continue until the show is cancelled or society falls apart.

They remind me of professional wrestling, which has been compared to soap operas many times before. In contrast to soaps, I was into the wrestling scene for a while, and I embraced it ardently. Granted, this began when I was in 5th grade and only lasted a few years, but during those years I considered it central to my life, the peak of my passions. I remember trying to graph out the relationships that each wrestler had to one another, and learning the history behind their feuds and alliances - all to no avail, because mere months later, former enemies would be friends, former allies at odds. It was probably this reason, the trait that wrestling most of all shared with soap operas, that led to my eventual disinterest (that or simply growing up and finding entertainment of higher quality). I always felt like all of my work ingesting this narrative world was nullified by the fact that it would never come to a satisfying end.

One more example before I get to my point, and that's the two year love affair I had with Lost. Before it brought immense disappointment during its sixth season (and permanent devalue with its finale), Lost was so important to me that I would spend hours on forums reading about details of the world. The fact that it was a show with incredible detail, a complex narrative, spectacular characters... and that it promised to come to an END, to resolve its disputes and solve its mysteries, that was what appealed to me most of all. It's no surprise, then, that when the showrunners chose to forego narrative revelations and instead "focus on the characters" and end with sappy trite bathos, I felt scorned to the point that I actively recommend against anyone I know starting to watch it.

But this obsession with closure that I have seems to be at odds with what I've long decided was the whole point of my life: politics.

I never really thought about it before, but politics are like the ultimate soap opera. You can spend all your time learning the Representatives and Senators and Cabinet members in the government, and in two or four years that all gets shuffled, changed around. New characters enter, old characters retire or die. Power shifts between different alliances and groups, which eventually shift and transform themselves. It almost seems like it's simply not worth it to put all the work in. If I spend my precious time learning about the current Congress and what they're doing, I'll never be "done" - like soap operas and wrestling, a conclusion is forever postponed. In other words, to make politics an interest is to accept a lifelong devotion to learning about the people in charge and the laws that they make. You can never finish learning about it.

And yet, I believe that it's important that we all do this. That we all spend at least some of our time learning these things and being aware of what's going on. Of course not everyone should be expected to know every face and name on Capitol Hill, or follow every state's race during each election every two years. But a general knowledge of the things going on in our political system is not only useful, but NECESSARY. Necessary if we want to have a real impact on the way our world works, on the way our lives can be lived, and, most importantly, on the way our species develops. Apathy is inexcusable, because it allows the loudest and most extreme ideologues from either side take control of the reigns and steer our country into potential disaster.

It's not hard. We live in a world where constant communication is the standard, and an infinite amount of information is at your fingertips. You don't even have to follow the news every single day of your life, though it'd certainly be helpful. You just have to familiarize yourself with who stands for what, and the facts of policies. One in ten Americans were aware that Obama cut taxes enough for them to make an extra $400 a year individually. ONE in TEN. And the other nine probably spent their time complaining about how he hasn't done anything.

If you didn't vote in the midterm elections and you didn't have a real restraint preventing it, you are hurting our society, our country, and the entire system of democracy. Because democracy, the idea that every single one of us has a say in how our country is run, cannot prevail if built upon ignorance. It will crumble and ideological tyranny will replace it.

Politics may seem like one big, confusing soap opera at times. But it's the most important soap opera in the world. Just because it seems like it's too abstract for you to care about doesn't change the fact that it seriously affects your life and how you live it. Zoom out for a minute and realize that it is entirely worth your time and effort to at least casually keep up with politics. Things don't really get more important than the way our world is run. And you can have a hand in that.

Vacation Maturation

2010-06-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Though it's been less than a month being away from Michigan, I feel years older and more mature.

It's not just the fact that every day I have to drive myself to and from my internship on Los Angeles highways, or the fact that in the past week I've had to do it with a severely messed up car*. It's not just the fact that I've reached a point of familiarity with said LA highways, and that I now know the difference between the 110, the I-5, the I-10, and all the others that intersect and wind around the city like wayward roots growing out of control.

It's pretty much everything. Jaz'min and I visited San Francisco over the weekend, and we stayed with a guy, Matt, who also used to review movies for the Rotten Tomatoes Show (when we did webcam reviews). He had a wife and an adorable two-year-old child, as well as five really well-behaved cats. I used to think that I didn't like little kids or cats; staying with that happy little family for a few nights showed how delightful they could be if properly behaved. Matt and his wife Erin were fantastic company, and the four of us got along easily, with laughter and jokes filling every conversation. They taught us a lot about cooking and which vegetables/fruits retain the most pesticide (The "Dirty Dozen"), so we can buy those organic. It was just a great experience that showed us a possible preview of ourselves in ten years (the parallels between our two relationships were eerily similar), and we're planning on visiting them on the way back to Michigan after they move to Missouri.

Besides that, I've just been having a great time doing what I want and trying to be responsible. Jaz'min and I put together a budget, which is the first time I've ever done that for real. It'll probably take a week or two of practice before we can fully operate within the budget, but we left enough wiggle room to make the summer comfortable for us regardless.

Other random news:
--My first day driving to work, I found an entertaining morning show on the radio, the Kevin & Bean Show. It ended up being on a really awesome station, KROQ, which plays alternative rock, and thus stuff that 90% of the time, I'm into. My car's radio is now always tuned to the station, 106.7. They're also having a big concert this Saturday, the KROQ Weenie Roast, and I've been trying to go since their tickets sold out in 8 hours. There are 14 bands, including the Deftones, Sublime with Rome, Stone Temple Pilots, Cage the Elephant, Dirty Heads... I really want to go, and in fact I'll hopefully be buying some slightly overpriced lawn tickets tonight. I just hope they're not fake / it's not a scam (found that shit on Craigslist).
--We ate dinner last night with Tian-Jun, another U of M student who's here interning for a talent agency. It was at a French restaurant in Westwood called Soleil, and they had a Wednesday night special of unlimited mussels and fries, so we indulged in that for a couple of hours and had a good time. Tian-Jun's an awesome guy, and pretty inspiring in the way of writing. He also has already become a fountain of knowledge for all things Los Angeles, so it's always great to see him and talk to him.

In a couple of weeks, my internship schedule changes from four days a week to two, and I hope to fill some of that extra time with another internship or PA job on-set somewhere. If not, then I have more time to enjoy this amazing city and all that it has to offer. Two more months is clearly not going to be enough time to really experience Los Angeles. I guess I just have to come back after graduating. I don't really see any other option.

--James A. Janisse

*My car has been crazy fucked up lately, some kind of vacuum or something is going on. Whenever it's idling, it's in danger of turning off, unless gas is being applied to it. In other words, once I'm going, it's not really in danger of just randomly messing up, but every time I stop (at, say, a stop sign, a red light, or in the cockblocking traffic that permanently fills LA), it risks turning off again. My solution has been to drive it kind of like a stickshift: I use my right foot to always apply gas to it, and my left foot handles the break. When I have to stop, I press down all the way on the brake but still give it some gas to keep it going. It sucks and it makes driving a thousand times more stressful, but it's working for now. Still, gotta get that shit FIXED.

On Tastes

2010-05-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

I often find that my tastes are surprisingly malleable. For a long time now, my tastes in music and movies have been very inclusive. I try to find something to enjoy in most genres of entertainment. Moreover, I found that I could shape my tastes by two ways: education and exposure.

I didn't like classic films growing up, as most children don't. I was never interested in watching anything with subtitles or anything in black and white as an adolescent. It wasn't until a class in high school, "Film as Literature", taught by the fantastic Eric Hood, that I learned how to appreciate films that were made for more than just entertainment. Gaining experience by filmmaking and videomaking only enhanced my knowledge about movies, and now, through my education about reading and writing films (so to speak), I find that I can enjoy a huge selection of movies that I would have never even glanced at in high school.

((Granted, I also have developed distaste for many "popular" movies such as Transformers 2, but I'll take intellectual satisfaction from reading "Aguirre: The Wrath of God" over sensual excitement from robot fighting any day... Well, most days.))

Similarly, growing up, I was pretty restricted to one type of music: Alternative rock. While that has always remained one of my favorite genres, through the years I continually listened to new music until I could say that the only things I didn't like were rap and country. Now, if you were to ask me, I'd say that the only music I dislike is country and screaming death metal, but there are even exceptions to these exemptions. The way I developed a liking for music like Gypsy Punk and Lady Gaga is by listening to them repeatedly. I may not have enjoyed the songs at first, but eventually I was able to find something to appreciate.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe my selectiveness fortitude is so weak that it can be broken down just with continuous barrages. On the one hand, maybe that's true - I've come to enjoy hearing "Tik-Tok" when it comes on the radio, despite a general distaste for Ke$ha herself. On the other, I'm not sure if it could apply to everything - I don't think any number of viewings of 2012 could make me consider it an enjoyment. All I know is that I like liking things. The more you like, the more you're aware of... the more you can reference, and the more you can make conversation.

Since coming to California, I've been applying this method of exposure to an area of my life that has always seen me at my most selective: Food tastes. I've always been at odds with the majority of vegetables, including such common topping staples such as tomatoes, onions, and peppers. I also have a problem with many other foods, and find myself having to turn down many an offered plate because I knew that I wouldn't enjoy its contents.

Now I try to eat the things I don't like, because I figure that if I eat them enough, they'll eventually become palatable. Should this work? After all, I hated beer when I started to drink, but now I might enjoy a bottle for pleasure with some evening television-watching. However, I also tried to tackle sushi to become a better eating companion for my girlfriend Jaz'min, and that turned out less than successful.

Either way, I continue to force new things down my gullet in an effort to form a friendship with my tastebuds (They could be 'tastebuddies,' if you will. Which I'm sure you won't). I've been able to develop a taste for most peppers (green, jalapeno, tiny tiny amounts of habanero) and onions. That's all I can think of right now, but those are huge accomplishments for me. I suppose that at some point I'll have to tackle tomatoes, but I hate them more than anything. Still, if I can ever manage to, maybe I'll one day reach a glorious point when I can order food without asking them to make alterations. And when that day comes, I'll know that all the slight gagging and face-wincing that accompanies the first few trials of each new edible will have been worth it.

--James A. Janisse

Perpetual Displeasure

2010-05-26T12:39:00.001-07:00

I just created this because I'm frustrated with the limitations of Tumblr. I don't know if Blogger is going to end up being any better, but I'll give it a shot.